1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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