how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
