i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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