Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
