so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
