Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
