What did we do last night that was yellow?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
