My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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