Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
