I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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