Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
