well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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