you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
