All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
