Four minutes until I can fart!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
