then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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