She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
