I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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