Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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