fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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