i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Green mimosas i think yes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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