I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize