my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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