we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
