Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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