Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
