she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
