I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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