just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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