I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
