i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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