I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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