Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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