tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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