My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
