ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
