You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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