I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
areolas are like halos for boobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
