please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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