Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
