I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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