dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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