i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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