last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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