It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
