what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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