note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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