I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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