I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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