Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
