He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
