Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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