The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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