Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
