So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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