I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
