If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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