He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
