All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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