you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
