Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize