I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
